The Drama Triangle

 

PERSECUTOR: says ‘you are helpless, hopeless and it’s all your fault’.

The Persecutor

  • is isolated
  • is critical and aggressive
  • is rigid and fixed …. defines things in black and white
  • relishes conflict …. conflict becomes equal to contact
  • enjoys fighting …. it is a means to stay distant and not show vulnerability
  • projects negativity and sees no good in anyone
  • projects hostility on others to justify defensive behaviour.  Projects own anger onto others and then defends against it
  • puts out ‘go away’ and ‘I don’t need you’ messages
  • anger is their main emotion
  • attempts to achieve inner peace by going to war

Inside the persecutor is feeling ‘I am lonely and unloved’.  The anger comes from the feeling ‘it is never possible for me to get my needs met’.  Does not show their pain.  Pain is the area for the persecutor to work on.

 

VICTIM: says ‘I’m helpless, hopeless.  Please tell me what I should do’.

The victim

  • complains but does not take action
  • says ‘fix me, make me better’ (sub-text: you’re responsible for me)
  • asks for advice, but then plays ‘yes, but …’ games
  • has learnt from the past to be docile to authority and rules and to minimise their own power and autonomy.  They are trained in powerlessness
  • says ‘it’s not fair’, ‘you’re so lucky’, ‘if only’, causing others to respond from a position of guilt
  • loves telling hard luck stories (the wooden leg game)
  • is a frustrator who leaves you feeling helpless and impotent
  • needs people (dependence is vital)
  • has shame and helplessness as dominant emotions
  • has difficulty achieving goals

Inside the victim feels frightened and distrustful, feels nobody cares and ‘there is no place for me’.  The victim doesn’t express anger and power and this is the area for the victim to work on.

 

RESCUER: says ‘people who need help can’t help themselves and can’t really be helped’.

The rescuer

  • avoids conflict and desires harmony … gets sick inside around conflict
  • deprives others of resources by running in with band aid
  • attends to the needs of others and loses own self
  • is seen as good, warm and caring – our society approves of this
  • gives ‘come to me’ messages
  • tries to accommodate and please
  • has difficulties saying no and maintaining boundaries
  • feels taken for granted and builds resentments
  • projects sadness, seeks and imagines sadness in others
  • ignores negative emotions in others and wants to create a world of good but helpless people
  • has guilt as a dominant emotion due to unrealistic expectations of themselves and others

Inside the rescuer feels confused, empty, scared and hurt.  They say ‘I feel like nothing without others.  I am worthless’.

 

LEVELLER: combines the qualities of the three positions and humanises them

  • the rescuer humanised is your capacity to be sensitive, loving, caring and to have empathy
  • the persecutor humanised is your ability to be assertive without demolishing the other person
  • the victim humanised has child-like qualities, can have fun and be creative and intuitive

The Leveller says

  • ‘ I can be sensitive and caring without placating’
  • ‘I can say how things are for me without blaming’
  • ‘I won’t wear a mask or hide behind a smile or a blank stare’

The Leveller

  • is able to distance themselves but still be in touch with feelings
  • is honest and authentic in their communication
  • informs the other about their needs, wants and emotions
  • is assertive without being overpowering
  • maintains a sense of self even though the price may be rejection

source unknown – apologies – a workshop years ago