My rehabilitation has had a set back

How are you? Before you even hope to think I am going to continue in the genre of the last letter –dash your hopes. No ‘reward’ phone calls this week. My rehabilitation has had a set back. 3 days off the fags and back on them last night.

What dire news has brought me to this? Just the usual dribbly little thing that sends my joie de vivre scurrying back into a dark hole. A* is going to Israel. A* is going to Israel because she is getting a freebie holiday, likes G and doesn’t for a moment think I should be remotely bothered. My problem is that I am terribly bothered – far too sensitive, obsessive and neurotic for my own good. I feel she is betraying me although I do understand that it is a good opportunity. I should take a leaf out of J1’s book who has a totally different take. His Dad’s lack of acknowledgement/willingness to give him equal status to G just makes him determined to do really well under his own steam. I should be more like that. More fighting than wimpy. It seems far too easy for me to lose sight of bigger goals than just getting by. For example – where is my most recent thrust for VSO since my Ethiopia encouragement?

FP always says that you should focus on what you want. So, a bit like you really, in thinking about what you may do other than being a barrister, I have to get back my focus on the bigger things and not allow myself to be humbled by the children moving on in their lives. I can’t quite get my head round the notion of making FH sorry for what he threw away which is J1’s stance, but I need to haul myself up to somewhere approaching that aspiration.

Tracey is having her 2 children by Muslim M christened Catholics this Sunday and I am going to be E’s godmother as she was the one I was present at the birth of. I’ve been engaged in a little painting project over the week-end renovating 2 wooden kiddy chairs – one painted with flowers and one I’ve painted gold with a little cushion, as presents.

Tomorrow I am going down to London for 2 days for the Scarman Regional Directors meeting and the launch of ‘Community Service Agreements’, a patented notion that Matthew Pike has been working on with the government – all high profile policy stuff which he is exceptionally good at. In the evening we are having a leaving do and then Thursday I am going to try to go to a VSO open event – to get a grip on the VSO language and experience which may help me in future interview opportunities.

The main reason why I would be hopeless for you is that I am FAR too emotional. I’m a ‘talker out’ of issues that people like Siobhan and FP can cope with. However, your ‘lightness’ of touch isn’t lost on me. I value your particular style of humour and truly celebrate your difference. I also feel I can make a connection with you through other values that we share in common – artistic taste, loyalty, integrity and hard work. You are quite beautiful to me and will always be so.