jealousy or madness

Me as a toddler

I have been out and about near St Neots today looking at house prices and what I can get for my money – just in case I have to make a decision on Thursday when I go for my interview at South Cambs. Yesterday night I went to see the film, ‘Lost in Translation’ (I would recommend it). However, all my forward thinking and planning was lost when I got back to find ex and new partner on my doorstep with one child jumping in the car and another jumping out. I wish beyond all else that I was past the point of being hurt by all this, but I’m not. I feel utterly betrayed by 2 of my children’s acceptance of her which I know is illogical, but jealousy or madness, the pain of it is demeaning and belittling. I was just thinking tonight in between feeling dire that maybe I could be hypnotised so it doesn’t matter anymore.

I do wish I wasn’t so emotional and had a better intellectual/analytical brain. I still tend to do the right thing in the situation 99% of the time, but it feels at huge cost. However the options of making a twit of yourself and alienating all my family in the process is not too hot either.

My boss has been a real pain this week, but thank goodness has gone off skiing. He is agitated, nervous and transferring his angst on to me and my colleague in bucket loads, as if I haven’t got enough of my own. Usually I function OK at work though. I think he is worried about job evaluation (our salaries go up, down or stay the same on Monday) and how secure his job is. So tomorrow I have to spend the whole afternoon after I get my own result at 12.20 telling everyone else on the floor how much they are getting.

I also went and looked at cars yesterday – to a Citroen garage and actually went out and drove a diesel Picasso and then came back and fell in love with this dinky C3 Pluriel that you can take the roof off. Decisions, decisions, but they all have to wait until my divorce is finalised. I am beginning to think that living in a new house would help. I saw this beautiful place in a village location backing on to fields by a farm where I could possibly keep Sean and a very private garden for sunbathing – even a pub over the road, but not such a nice pub as yours!

I hope you are OK. Have you been indulging in alternative therapy like essential oil massages etc? The old massage always boosts my sense of wellbeing, Indian pipe music, exotic pungent oils nd candles – I find them all really soothing.