I need a change of scene

My first dog – Sarah

Finally I’ve got the computer and printer to work so you don’t need to give up and get frustrated trying to read my handwriting. I hope you did manage to plough through both letters. I’ve had loads of problems with my email/computer/printer over Easter largely caused by the kids constantly going on it. As I now lock the phone away when I’m not here (except one for incoming calls without digits on they can trace the code!) I may need to do the same with the laptop. I don’t really want to be too draconian.

How are things going with the house rebuild? How is your dad? How is life at the pub? Was it not sh***y weather today after a week of sunshine and promise?

I am bad at the moment in a high state of stress as FH has stopped paying maintenance, is not signing any papers and finding silly things to keep going back to the solicitors over. He is using his new found wealth to rent a 3 bedroom cottage in the grounds of the local country estate (Luton Hoo) which may mean his new partner is coming over. It certainly means his mates are fed up of him, the parrot and J2 in their spare room! I can’t understand why he isn’t buying, but maybe I’ve underestimated the depth of his return to bachelor/downsized lifestyle in terms of responsibilities. I’m so bad I’ve started smoking and drinking again, though less than before – I’m too staid to do much to excess, but I worry about my need for them at all.

I’ve applied for 2 VSO jobs but it is early days. I don’t know what they are looking for and it is really just testing the water. I’ve got a year to find this job abroad if I am truly serious. I do feel I want to get out of FH’s shadow. He is still coming to the house when I’m not here which annoys me. I feel part of my emotional struggle is also about allowing myself to get vulnerable in terms of relationships. I am going to be gutted if FP has a change of heart. However, we are such a good foil for each other in lots of ways so I should be more positive – I’m dreadful at always envisaging the worst

I am in Birmingham for 2 days this week as part of my Scarman work – Regional Directors’ Meeting! It sounds very grand, but will be good for me. I’ve even arranged to stay overnight which is abnormal, especially as I could travel home. I thought the change of scene would do me good and I enjoy the company of the other Directors who are a maverick, but entertaining bunch from all over the country and spanning a huge age range.

Have you been following all the stuff in Iraq and the implications on the Palestine/Israel situation? I follow it intently in the Independent – I would love to have dinner with Robert Fisk (a journalist at the time) – and was alarmed to read that Bangkok is a likely target for terrorist attacks next – and J2 and I were avoiding Bali! Seriously, the gross incompetence, people mismanagement from such a high level in America makes me despair for the world.