the day trip to France was gross

Lots to tell you about this week. The day trip to France was just gross. Cite Europe is my idea of hell on earth. We left at 3am in the morning and got back at 10.30pm. Interesting to go through the tunnel in a box within a box. The other side is just all that is worst of design or lack of it (apart from the street lamps which have some merit) – a cavern of a warehouse with no redeeming features (even Milton Keynes has squares and fountains for goodness sake), lousy shops, mediocre restaurants, heaving with a clientele that makes you ashamed to be British (if that sounds snobby this experience drove me to it) and the worst thing is people think they have visited France! I found the experience overwhelmingly depressing and I never ever want to do it again. I did get the cheap booze and the champagne.

On Monday I went for dinner with Clara and Dan. He has been busy DIY’ing everything in sight, but most recently a conservatory and redoing the kitchen. It gave me food for thought that it is normal and enjoyable for some blokes to do this and brought home to me how I did all of that sort of thing for 18 years without encouragement let alone practical support.

On Tuesday I went down to London for a Scarman day, met Lindy (from Warwick 28 years ago) for coffee, had the Directors’ meeting and then Christmas dinner. Lord Scarman died in the last week and Matthew (Chief Executive) brought his cello and played in the foyer of the hotel and people who knew him gave speeches. The Scarman staff are all so refined, educated and multi-cultural – some fantastic Black and Asian people in the organisation – and dinner is always blessed with wide-ranging and stimulating conversation, rather than the pleasant, but generally banal. I thought as I sat with my wine and listened to it all, how much duller my life would be without my contact with these people and the vision of a life lived at a slightly ‘higher’ plain – not necessarily better in terms of its emotional content, but I appreciate aesthetic and refined!

A* is now home from uni and I had another burst of ‘I hate university’ last night when I went to pick her up from work. It all seems a bit muddled = everyone is dull and boring – they are not intelligent – I should be somewhere where I can realise my potential like Cambridge or Durham – I don’t want to work – I want to travel – I want to live by the sea – I want an exciting life – I am not getting enough sex = bits of it is the mother in the daughter speaking, but not the lack of humility in relation to other people. I don’t know what she will do, but it is going to have to be her decision.

Tonight I am going to see Siobhan and at the week-end for dinner with my brothers and their wives in Leicester – nearly there with delivering Christmas presents now. The latest from Jenny last Sunday is that her husband is very likely not coming back. He says he doesn’t want sex, but otherwise doesn’t know what he wants. She is really raw now as she was obviously counting on him coming back.

Last Friday I went for lunch with my old community safety officer at South Beds who was a retired policeman when he first came to work for me and has just been such a source of support over the last 2-3 years. He declared his undying love for me which as he is married I’m not sure was a joke. I think I looked suitable bemused. What is it about me that older men find so attractive? It’s nice to be appreciated, but I think sometimes I would welcome a better handle on my market potential. As we approach Christmas, which I know lots of people find a horrid time, I feel relatively peaceful. I am beginning to realise that I can survive quite comfortably financially, have lots of friends and contacts who thoroughly entertain me and that I have time and intelligence to take my time with male relationships in future. This feels a nice place to be after a lot of emotional pain.