3 weeks of marriage encouragement

I have been to 3 weeks of ‘marriage encouragement’ at my church. https://hazeldurbridge.com/luton-christian-fellowship/

I am not married and I need encouragement. This is what I learnt.

Week 1 was about the most lasting relationships having a rock solid base of friendship. The 4 Apocalypse horsemen of disintegrating relationships were described as criticising, being defensive, contempt and withdrawing. Emotional disengagement was quoted as predicting divorce at year 16.

Everyone wants to be in a relationship that is happy, secure and erotic. Having fun needs to be seen as essential, not a luxury. The importance of doing nice things for and with your partner was also emphasised as a means of keeping good credit in your emotional bank account that can be drawn on in your favour when bad times come.

The importance of spending time face to face (really talking), side by side (doing things you enjoy together), belly to belly (having sex) was emphasised AND the need to get a handle on how your partner wanted to experience your love. The 5 love languages are described as affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

Week 2 was about fighting to build, not to win – generally about managing conflict better. Big generalisation, but basically, research has shown that the majority of women demand and attack, while men withdraw and internalise their frustrations.

Again, the importance of building up credit with your partner was emphasised. If they see you as basically a good person, they are more inclined to tolerate you acting as a monster occasionally.

Those couples who were doing well set the negativity threshold very low (i.e they dealt with issues immediately) and did not go over the same ground in their arguments. ‘We keep short accounts with each other’. Over time, if an unhappy partner felt there was no change they gave up. The advice was, avoid the ‘stuff we never deal with box’ and accept that if your spouse thinks there is a problem, there is.

Try not to deal with things in the heat of the moment. Ask yourself the question; ‘should I say it?’ ‘Should I say it now?’ Words spoken in hurt and anger can not be taken back. It is a mastery, ‘to leave unsaid the wrong thing at a tempting moment’. Lady Dorothy Nevill, 1826-1913.

Rehearse being respectful in tone. Think about xyz statements. When you do x in situation y it makes me feel z.

Agree a solution. Put it in to practice. Review it. ‘Fight for the marriage you both long to have’.

Week 3 was about building a resilient team. Very small steps towards your partner can make a huge difference. You can’t change your spouse, but you can change how you respond to them – ‘you be the change’.

Difficult situations can strengthen relationships. This happened amongst couples who had a ‘developmentalist attitude’ where there is an expectation that there will be issues. Lows don’t knock them for six because they have a long haul view and see it as part of life.

She talked about working hard at your marriage rather than it being hard work and described it in a way you approach gardening. If you mow the grass on a regular basis it is doable. If you leave it for months, it is hard going.

Scott Stanley writes about ‘I do’ commitment as opposed to ‘maybe I do’. These are those people who take their wedding vows seriously, ‘we’re both in it for everything’. Some even have regular check ins – are we happy? Asian families score very well on this. ‘We choose how much we are going to give’.

Team work means that individuals ask what is good for the team rather than for themselves. ‘You win as a team or you don’t win at all’. When they respond as a team any sacrifices are less likely to make them feel resentful. Many saw their marriage as ‘their first defence against the world’.

Wise teams build with more than one. They include family and friends. Dissatisfaction goes hand in hand with poor back-up systems.

 

The lady who ran the course is called Jan Ewing. Trained as a family lawyer, she followed 52 newly married couples over 4 years for her Phd, documenting what did and didn’t work. A CD of her course can be obtained via the LCF website www.lcf.biz/home