FH is in Israel

Posted Tuesday February 02, 2016 by Hazel Durbridge

Spike and Jazz’s puppy, Soul

How are you? I know football is not really your game, but did you watch the England matches? I sat at home and especially enjoyed the England v France game – then the last one was absolutely gripping and so tense – even though I don’t think we played especially well. J2, the youngest, is fun to watch these with as he gives a running commentary and knows all the commentators and who they used to play for and who they manage now etc. However, I pulled Holland out the hat in our works wager so I am probably in with more of a chance than I seemed to be at the beginning.

It has been a usual roller coaster of a week. FH is in Israel and I got upset a) because he took his Mum, b) because A* moved into his house for a week to be with the delectable B and I came face to face with his hallway montage of endless photos of him looking joyous with G and lastly, c) because I went to find the drill at the week-end and it had disappeared to his house along with a hammer and saw I had been looking for previously. Looking at these things logically, it is really kind of him to take his Mum. She will love spending time with her only son – but I felt it initially as a betrayal, b) why shouldn’t he fill his house with photos if he wants to and c) the tools are his. I just wish he would tell me he is taking them so I can be prepared when I look to do a bit of DIY.

The combination of blows to my self-esteem reduced me to a bit of a wreck at the week-end compounded with endless ferrying of children here, there and everywhere, but I rallied and did some long outstanding painting to the house and FP helped me by putting up some new lights in the hall and kitchen, and what seemed miraculous to me, was able to restore electricity in the process. I think the reality is hitting me in a big way at the moment. J1 wants £120 to go to the leavers dinner – £50 for his formal dress, £40 for the ticket and £30 spend and FH is just telling him to ask me. Obviously there is no budget for this in our maintenance discussions. Wearysome or what.

I went to see my counsellor last week and re-laid to her my sense of being at the end of my tether. She says I have to set tighter limits on what is acceptable – be the real me as she puts it rather than putting up with any old tut, but even she was shocked when I said, ‘OK, the real me wants to go and work abroad, like in the next year’. I actually sat down last week and did two more applications to VSO. One to work in south east Asia as a programme Learning Advisor which is really just a coach to volunteers to enable them to cross fertilise and share best practice and expertise, the other is in Ethiopia as a programme director which is national project management mainly around organising an infrastructure for tertiary education. I’ve got skills and experience to meet the essential requirements on the person spec so this is my second attempt to get shortlisted. I’m not disheartened by this, as with all these jobs, it takes time to identify what they are looking for and how best to fill in the form. Their HR department gave me some useful feedback.

Work has improved and I got quite a nice appraisal last week and was able to address with my manager some of the issues of ‘bullying’ that had distressed me so much. Not that I used those terms. He admitted to being envious of my ability to be so ‘laid back’ which is a laugh when you realise how anxious I really am – I’m just adept at hiding it from people apart from those who are close to me. It’s interesting that it ties in with the counsellor’s perception of me not letting the real me out. Do you remember how frustrated you got because I just got upset when you spoke more challengingly to me rather than coming back with a stiff retort. This is an issue I obviously need to address, without I hope changing my entire personality.

I have had absolutely no bites regarding the car which is depressing. I’ve put it in at £1.5k less than its value on 2 websites and 2 weeks in the local press. I may yet have to take the garage’s desultory offer. I hope things are more positive for you at the moment and you are feeling fit and well. Tonight I am going to J2’s school for a parents’ information evening about his trip to Germany in mid- July. Big hug.

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