reviewing my relationship

I do find it interesting talking to you these days. I was quite surprised by your take on Angus Deayton and your regular church attendance. When I first met you I had an impression that you belonged with a certain genre of rich intellectuals who have a more existentialist view of morality and that being clever and successful is a modus operandi that sits above religious, moral or ethical constraints.

I am glad your faith has been such a comfort to you. When I was a teenager I was involved with a young person’s Christian group, but turned away from organised faith as I found the emphasis on money and getting bigger and better church buildings and the smugness of some of the participants not remotely holy. However, I can never walk past a church without going in and lighting a candle and saying a prayer. My prayers are all about trying to be a good person and a good mum and valuing my life and making the best of it. My inter-relationship with God is informal yet constant.

I am reviewing my relationship with FP. I know you and many others are going to say, ‘but Hazel! He is so nice and good for you’ and I remember my counsellor saying sometimes the people the people we think we want/need are not actually good for us at all (I think she had this theory about FH!). It’s just I am afraid I will be committing myself to a life of dullness and apartness. His living down in Portsmouth could go on interminably as I quite understand he would not want to jeopardise a secure, well paid job. Secondly, he doesn’t want to get married again which I understand if you’ve been married and let down 3 times already, but I think I do eventually. I think as I am emerging from just keeping my head above water and as the children get more and more independent I want to take this opportunity to strike out for a really exciting life. I do want to travel more. I do want to move in interesting and stimulating circles and I do want someone who can surprise and excite me. Whether these qualities can go with goodness, gentleness and loyalty I don’t know.

I also wonder whether grown up love is about people creeping up on you gradually rather than a bolt out of the blue and I am afraid that it could be a case of not appreciating what I have till it’s gone. Am I also letting my impatience and NOW philosophy get the better of me? I think I may also never find anyone who is so sexually compatible.
I think these feelings have been brewing for about a month. When I was first alone I so wanted someone who could just arrive and replace the contented and fulfilled life I had before, but that doesn’t really happen and instead I’ve made a painful and often lonely journey to where I am now – legally and financially sorted with a degree of peace. I wish I could be a settler, but I think I’m a striver and an explorer. It’s a bit scary as to where that might lead me, but the feelings are gathering momentum.

When I was away doing Scarman work I had 3 very lengthy conversations with very different kinds of men. One was a black guy who is a director based in Birmingham – great presence, great charisma – and we had a really interesting discussion over dinner about his involvement in political groups that support democracy in the mother country. In his case he supports groups in Jamaica and South Africa. For all his amazing persona he said it was only in Jamaica that he felt people saw him as a person rather than Black. The second conversation was at the Community Service Agreement workshop where I had a long debate over lunch with a guy who had been deputy leader of Birmingham City Council about how individuals inside bureaucracies can make meaningful change within grass roots communities and the last was with a regeneration consultant on the train back from Kings Lynn where we ended up talking about a personal project he was going to undertake in Cambodia next year. I just get a sense that I’m not sending out ‘broken’ messages as much any more and that this is the genre of man I would like to be meeting privately as well as professionally. I hope that doesn’t sound arrogant. I think that deep down I know that FP has supported me through a period of emotional melt down – just as I have him (he had no job and absolutely no money when I first met him), but I’m not in that place any more.
This could all come to nothing – and I am sharing it with you in confidence as I have told you about many aspects of my life and thoughts. We shall see.

Big hug. The weather is beautiful today.