my rationale for leaving counselling too soon in January 2015
In January 2015 I left counselling before my therapist felt I was ready. This was my rationale.
Thinking about today being my last session for a while, but don’t want to walk out if you seriously think I am in denial about something.
Have I had a hard life? No I genuinely don’t think so. No more knocks or set-backs than the average person. 55 years old never been seriously ill.
I am very content with my job, my house, my friends, where my children are at in their lives.
Do I let the children get away with too much? Possibly. I know where that comes from (the divorce split) but my mother also did all the domestic stuff for me. She used to say that it was the one thing she could do to support my work and studies. A1 and J1 have both left home. J2 is talking of going in September. I have no desire to live the rest of my life through my children, but I will do all I can to keep a flow of communication wherever they are in the world.
Is there grief or loss I have not attempted to address? I have had counselling (maybe not such experienced counselling as you offer) for
The relationship with my mother – we agreed she did the best she could with the resources available
The break-down of my marriage – probably 3 lots of 6-10 sessions over a 6 year period
I accept my guilt (whether he would say this or not) that I was emotionally unfaithful
The counsellor eventually got me to see that he was not a very nice man and we did not work as a team. I was pretty much the team.
Most recently with you about the breakdown of my 1 year relationship with FB. I came because he made me feel really bad about myself and that I was controlling etc. During my time with you I found out that he had been hacking in to my email account possibly for months and has previous in domestics. I ended it. I feel I tried hard to make it work.
Do I allow myself to be abused? Sometimes yes. I give more chances than many would, but I don’t let it go on indefinitely.
My back- up mentality. I have stayed ‘friends’ with former boyfriends and have visited them if I am a bit low. Since coming to you I have stopped all contact and told 2 formers to stop contacting me as I am looking for a proper boyfriend and they can not offer me what I need. I have never done that before.
I was thinking I also do this with jobs. While some people would apply for one job at a time and not accept things that did not ideally fit their vision of their career path, I apply for 10 jobs, anything I think is moderately interesting where I fit the job description. Despite several redundancies this approach has kept me in continuous work all my life. Until the last job I always accepted the first I was offered. Last time I accepted the first job then was told by the job centre I still had to go to other interviews I had and was offered the Peabody job which I took, turning down the first offer I had accepted. I felt really bad about that.
The dating site. After our meeting last week I met the first date, liked him and wanted to see him again. I cancelled the 2nd date (following your intervention about my assumption that he would be bothered) and hid my profile on the website. I will let this current contact run its course and stick to one at a time.
My thoughts about what I want
Someone looking for a 7 day a week relationship warts and all
Honesty and integrity – open about emotional stuff
Seriously middle class –gentlemanly courtesy, must be a good conversationalist
A more tantric approach to sex
Someone who has a lot on the go and works – not too much time on their hands
Someone who gets bored easily like me
A general all things are possible approach to life – positive
Funny/silly
What am I going forward with as my priorities?
I am not going to plan the next 15 years. There will be no 15 year plan which was in my head when I came here that I would leave with.
I am going to be more aware of my tendency to allow men to use me.
I will continue to be aware of my sexual drive and where this leads me too fast.
Read my 2014-15 lists. My friend said there is nothing on the list about emotions. On the list for 2015 are the things I can control.
What enabling and empowering gifts have you given me? Things that nobody else has said about me
Out of my session 1 spiel – I am forgiving
About FB – relationship likened to that with my mother
That I have not had things easy, that I have suffered great loss. It makes my achievements greater.
You asked the question ‘Why are you here?’ It made me think that I have probably addressed the issue about FB I wanted to address
Things that you have raised that I possibly have not fully resolved at this time, but will work on
How I jump in to action and diversion rather than dwell in sadness and this may trap me in poor choices because I have felt obliged to stick with what I knew was not always quite right (FP) once I have leapt there. I did finish with FP without anyone else to go to.
My need for men – part validation of my feminine attractiveness/part emotional need. Also a big part is companionship. I am not a loner even if I can be a bit of an introvert. (I was alone in Cameroon & Sri Lanka, but I was definitely looking and if there had been anyone remotely suitable I would have jumped at the chance.) In reality my options may be seriously less as I age and I may therefore have no choice but to deal with it.