overwhelming sadness

Our first Dalmatian Splodge

How are you? Do please give me a call – any night other than Saturday and Wednesday is usually good post about 8pm. The weather is achingly beautiful at the moment and everywhere looks glorious. In Letchworth especially, where I work and which is the first garden City, it is really green and there are lots of open spaces and little parks to go and eat your lunch.

I found a solution to the job evaluation problem and the interviews are going ahead tomorrow. Basically I just broadened the nature of qualifications to include business/and/or relevant experience and in service training and it doesn’t have to be re-evaluated, nor do we have to re-advertise on that basis. The training on strategy is also going ahead next week with one senior manager and the lead on policy coming to give a 20 minute talk.

A* has officially decided to defer a year, although she hasn’t told her Dad yet. She plans to work a little and then travel. I shall have to email all my Australian and New Zealand contacts at some point in the near future! There appears to have been no word from the aussie boyfriend since one email, but she seems a bit more stabilised and focused on the gruelling task in hand, not that either her or J1 are exactly locked to any revision timetable.

I paid the final instalment on the Thailand trip yesterday and J2 and I are going to the practice nurse to get our jabs tonight. I always feel full of trepidation about these things, but I know that I benefit hugely from the experience once I get over the shock of how much I am spending!

At the week-end I went to my middle brother’s wedding celebration. He married for the second time on a little island in the Caribbean and had a family do at his new parents in law’s house – complete with new sister-in-law in red bride’s dress. She is OK and they are very happy. I find it a bit difficult that they side-line their children in all this i.e. they don’t get to go on any exotic jaunts, but each to his own. Maybe they wouldn’t want to.

Sean the horse has lost a shoe and was a bit lame last night when I went up to see him. I can’t see anything on his hoof and horses after all don’t live in the wild with shoes, but he is obviously tender on it so that’s my latest worry – legs on horses are a bit problematic.

I’m having a few queries from my mail shot for the support group – mainly what qualifications does the therapist have and whether it is commercially based or not. This is before counsellors and surgeries will be prepared to promote it – so we’ll see if it strikes a nerve with enough people to make it economically viable.

Still no official papers through – I shall ring the solicitor next week if I don’t hear anything. In spite of the weather I seem bogged down in this overwhelming sadness still for which friends have varying theories mostly around the fact that I haven’t let my anger out. I just can’t see how it could possibly benefit me and indeed could do irrevocable damage to the people I most want to hold close to me. Friends now say I have this aura of sadness about me which does make me sad to hear, and comment that what kept me going in the initial stages was my absolute determination that I would not let it crush me. Perhaps I am running out of energy to fight. Siobhan last night suggested going to the doctors, but nor do I see pills as the answer. A bit of me thinks I’ve got to the end of what I can practically do and the rest is time and just keeping going in terms of job and house and looking after the children. Thankfully, FP appears to have total equanimity about my allusions to the past and accepts it all as part of the package. He just says he is happy to be around me which is delightfully reassuring!