Missing interdependency

My parents wartime wedding 

This is probably not remotely the sort of thing one should write to a person with a life threatening illness, but I’ve had a horrid emotional week culminating in a real sink into the pits Friday evening from out of which I have since clambered. Anyway, more detail in a mo.  How are you this week?  Are you pi**ed off with doing less interesting work or is it quite enough when you feel a bit flaky?  I seem to remember you won’t get any further updates till February so it’s a case of stiff upper lip and get on with it.

I definitely don’t do stiff upper lip – I cry unashamedly virtually any place, but not gushy gushy to people, just to me – in the car and although I got in a tremendous state Friday evening I did still take me and J2 for a haircut, muck out the horse, do the weekly shop and collect A* from the pub so I don’t exactly take to my bed.  Why I got so upset I don’t know.  It could have been – in no particular order

• Cold turkey from giving up smoking

• First week back in an OK job that I quite like really after Christmas break

• Booking to take A* and me to New York for a long week-end to celebrate my 45th and her 18th (I was excited about it at first

• Getting an email from a 60 year old male friend who is on extended holiday in New Zealand/Australia who has never been married and is just seemingly happy doing stuff on his own

On reflection (and not to mention I woke up the next day with eyes that had all the features of conjunctivitis without the gunge in the lashes – you just can’t weep at 44 and look great the next day) I think it’s what I call the interdependency of a marriage type relationship. I remember saying to the counsellor we were like a well-oiled machine which isn’t very romantic and probably was one reason why he fell for a grand passion, but I felt far bigger/greater/achieving as part of a two than at the moment I ever feel as a one.  I miss that hugely.  Sometimes I’ve thought I would love some bloke to appear, fall madly in love and have the money and the plan to take me away from it all, but the reality is I could never go along with any plan that wasn’t at least 50% of my construction so that leaves me totally bu**ered.

Anyway – how did I get out of it? Rode the horse, did some gardening, went to visit a thrice married friend who fed me full of clichés, but still cheered me up and it’s back to work as normal tomorrow though I am going to chase my divorce and getting the car fixed.  Usual week ahead – Parish council meetings, running an evening workshop, going for my monthly aromatherapy massage on Thursday and must try and get a Business plan done for Scarman 2004.  I’ve also got some fledgling ideas for money making web sites I’m going to research.