‘the meek will inherit the Earth’ May 07

I was really rather hoping that next time I wrote to you I would have some news to impart, but now it is May and I haven’t.

On the EC1 job front the new Director of Life Opportunities (my immediate boss) arrives end of June. In the meantime people are going or being pushed and there has been a radical re-shifting of desks for about the 4th time in a year. Having been faced with potential imminent expulsion a number of times over the last few years, I am largely doing what A* somewhat scathingly refers to as ‘the meek will inherit the Earth routine’ – I could retort with the paying for kids at university routine – but basically I keep quiet and do whatever I am told. I am not at the 4 applications a week stage, but I have registered with an agency and am looking for work through them. If I knew I was going I would start more proactive job search, but as all the Indians are leaving or being eased out and the Chiefs are constantly working from home and networking at conferences, they need someone to answer phones and do the admin of project management at the moment.

Furthermore there is reorganisation going on at Scarman and I will get a new immediate boss there within the next month. In the east, through luck and FP and M’s hard work, we have almost certainly won a huge contract to be the accountable body for Marsh Farm NDC. This means that I could possibly go back and work there full time. We are also moving forward slowly with Can Do freedom Travel as Scarman has now decided it does want to go international so there are a number of possibilities on the drawing board. Added to which I stop paying for A* in August – yippee – so I don’t have to earn so much money!

A* and J2 are pulling at my heart strings at the moment. A* for the poignancy of her remarks about finishing uni and what am I going to do with my life now and isn’t it scary and the loss of her bullishness about returning to the Luton shit heap etc. J2 because he can’t get a grip on any form of forward planning – remembering his exam candidate number, revising, ensuring he has the right things at the right time. I feel like the noose of impending adulthood is closing around him and he just isn’t ready. He has been in trouble at school for lack of concentration, he has no money because I am rationing his pocket money on essentials and yet he still can’t galvanise himself to get work despite my best efforts, research, CV advice, pep talks. It all ends in sobby tears. He has loads of support. My brother R funded science home tuition to help him get the essential B grade to do Biology at A-level to access a physiotherapy course, I’ve paid for him to do a referee training course post exams, because you can get paid for reffing matches. FH lent him the money to go with his mates to Newquay for a week in July. I feel his self-esteem is really fragile and it’s hard to be both inspiration and enforcer in one person. J1 is just fine at the moment. His marines stuff grounds him, stimulates and helps keep him solvent. He is going to be able to pay to keep Ro’s car on the road next year which is great. I find myself increasingly talking to him as an equal and sometimes have to restrain an urge to confide my insecurities in him.

Money for both FP and I has been horrendous and our week-ends have been largely devoted to DIY because a pot of paint or varnish is cheap entertainment. It will get better in the next 6 months and then so long as we can both keep some sort of work will probably never be a problem again. Although I will never be as frugal as my mother I have learnt to survive well on very little.

My big scary moment coming up is A*’s graduation day with FH and, dear God, hopefully not Gill in the background. I have been fantasising about the horror of this moment for the last 5 years. I am afraid of collapsing from my grief of loss of family, but I have had various advice on what to think to mentally resolve myself to endure the day without being an absolute prat. You have to remember I haven’t seen FH for over 3 years. I guess for some people it seems silly, but it’s a big deal for me. At the moment I am opting for the numb, comment-less approach – probably a version on the meek will inherit the earth routine – to avoid any comments or feedback that might reduce me to a sobbing wreck. I can’t even drink heavily as I’m driving back from Norwich. Think of me on July 11th.

We are all going at various times to R’s empty place in Bordeaux for the first 2 weeks in August. Only FP’s daughter S has decided not to go – a long story – but I will say that wives that leave can be surprisingly destructive. We had a great time doing something similar in Sicily and this time A* is coming out at the same time as J1 and Bear which I think will be easier.