I love my 3 children equally

I love my three children equally. When I feel frail and weary it crosses my mind that I need to hang in as otherwise there will be terrible problems with sorting out my estate, especially as they are now old enough to take responsibility themselves and they just don’t seem to appreciate each other in a grown up way. I used to think it was an adolescent thing, but now they are not adolescents and it shows no sign of abating.

All three of them are – in some ways – extraordinarily different and I love that difference. They would say they have nothing in common with each other beyond their dad’s sperm and the fact that I gave birth to all three.

A* is the intellectual one. She was always the brightest. Her observations can take your breath away. She is insightful and can be merciless with those she deems fools. I glow when she ‘understands’ me or passes a compliment. She is the only one of my children who reads my blog regularly and encourages my writing. She will say, ‘it’s like listening to you talk Mum, but was I really so horrid to you?!!’ When I look back through my writing during her adolescence I can see that she always wanted to be down with nature and live close to the sea, but at one time was successful in the London rat race, a schmoozer extraordinaire and almost hitched to inherited wealth. At the moment she is in Australia, in love and wants to make her own wine.

J1 was always a grafter in terms of getting money, but less in to passing exams until he joined the military and then his career went stratospheric. With the physique, the interface with international power brokerage and the discipline involved came intolerance for those who do not do their best involving 100% supreme effort. This is counteracted by another military essential – great loyalty. While I did not actively seek his support during my marriage break-up he gave it unstintingly because he felt it was right. Ever since he left home at 18 he either meets me for lunch or phones me every week. He tries to look after me, lending me money for carpets, buying me carpets and insisting I drive his Mercedes when he is away. He is just leaving the military for a job in Hong Kong, ostensibly to follow the money, but I think the social conscience will kick in. When he was little he was the one who most bonded every time with our foster placements. He was interested in their wellbeing and cared about them. He still fusses about Bear.

J2 just seems reluctant to grow up. Thankfully he has a job as a primary school teacher which he is good at and valued for. Other markers of transition to adulthood – getting your own place and cleaning up after yourself just don’t cut the mustard. The redeeming and endearing quality is that he is not interested in material things beyond his phone and X box and is contented with a lot less than the other two. He is also still at home and I am challenged by the others to make life less easy for him. However, that is about to change as he goes to work in Egypt in August.

Where do I want them to see their points of commonality?

They are all extroverts and excellent at socialising which they get from their dad.
They all have a good sense of humour.
They all love travel which we both imbued them in from birth. They see a bigger world and are not racist or bigoted.
Even though we are really far apart I do think they care about family and would eventually like children of their own though I may have a long wait.
They were all born and raised in Luton. It has a grounding effect.
They care about society and they do all give back. It’s not all about them.

Then I have my plus 1. Bear (not his real name) lived in our family from aged 13 for 30 years. It’s a long time. Now he has moved out with his partner and their baby son, we have started sharing Sunday lunch every 4-6 weeks. His mum and dad are still alive, but for various reasons he couldn’t live with them although there has always been contact. Without doubt, the others have always seen him as their brother.

I have a funny feeling that when I am gone he may be the unifying voice. They respect and love him and he is not afraid to tell it how it is. It moves me and it is a very lovely thing that you reap what you sow.