I meet my ex husband for the first time in 14 years

July has been a struggle month.

A* is currently home.  She hasn’t changed, but does seem more content and happy with her beau T who did not come with her for the trip.  It’s tinged with loss and sadness because she is going back to stay and I will miss her.  I am going to have to budget and plan to maintain some face to face contact.  It’s a good job I have never been to Australia as I suspect that is going to be my holiday destination until the end of my days.

I went to my first big family wedding since the divorce at the week-end and met face to face with FH who I have not seen in 14 years and his new wife Jill.  It’s funny how I have been in a state about it for years imagining how I couldn’t possibly deal with it but I did.  I was fine.  I didn’t wish I was still with him.  I didn’t feel hopelessly ugly and inadequate beside his new wife.  I enjoyed the day for being there with all our children together.  J1 and FH were equally civil.

I always thought that when the time came when we met again I would be happily established in a new long term relationship, but I am back totally on my own again having downsized Dan to friend.  (I suspect this suits him better!)  I have to take responsibility for those choices and choices they are even if it doesn’t seem like choices sometimes when the people I think I like don’t like me back!  My last therapist would be proud of me.  She said no one really nice would get a chance to ask me out as I never allowed myself to be single long enough for available and genuine men to be aware and have an opportunity to ask me out.  I have promised myself I will try and be single, but I am not very good at it.

Mo, Gazz’s son, who I was close to, came to visit with his girlfriend on the way back from his dad’s engagement party to Marilyn, the Filipino woman he set up home with after me.  That didn’t make me sad either.  I had my chance and didn’t want it.

J2 passed his teacher training and I am going to his graduation.  He and Ceri are going to Croatia/Hungary on holiday at the end of the month.  She, total Ms Feisty which I rather love, has just put down a deposit on a house with some money left by her Nan.  J2 keeps the lid on her fraught moments (she has no contact with her parents) by being the emotionally mature rock he is.  J1 rings me up every week usually when he is driving somewhere long distance and talks for ages about what he is doing, life and the universe which is lovely.  He is getting very good feedback in his current work.  He is dating Anana, a Polish Investment banker who is older than him.

Otherwise it is just basking in the lovely summer weather.  I got my stained glass window in the hallway repaired which was extremely expensive.  I have joined a line dancing group which is quite hard going as they have all been together a year already.  I am attending lots of free church courses because I am saving money as I have booked to go on a group tour to Vietnam in October.

Work is fine.  Thought for this month at https://hazeldurbridge.com/the-peabody-employee-conference-2015/

God bless Peabody!