I am news ‘d out

I am news’ d out.

How are you?

I was ridiculously pleased when you rang me the week before last which is pathetic, but says something about constancy of affection. I went off to the hospital last Monday and had my boobies squashed in various positions. The clinic was a melodramatic experience with tearful women hugging tearful men, women telling each other their life stories and a morbid curiosity about others’ conditions. It may surprise you, but I can do without that. Anyway – I was OK. I came out and decided I did want to live even though I have got a lovely will, am going to be made redundant, will never be married by FP and haven’t got my 19 year old daughter living with me. I have not had a cigarette since the previous Sunday. I’ve decided I’m cracking it outside of a holiday period which is too easy. Besides I need the money, it makes my breath smell, my lungs and throat hurt and stops my skin glowing.

Anyway boobie day coincided with having to speak at a conference and getting my first interview for mega well paid job in Hammersmith and Fulham. I rang them up and explained my situation and even though it was only the first test stage they wouldn’t let me go at a different time.

Did I tell you that J2 won player of the season with his football team – a massive great trophy. I wasn’t there because FH took him with Gill, but he told me the lovely things they said – not so much about natural talent although obviously Jake has some, but about how he uses his football intellectual knowledge and applies it, his leadership skills and his giving 110% and being dedicated and reliable. J2 was so chuffed because he didn’t expect to win anything.

J2 got back from Magaluf on Saturday and had had a fantastic time – no nooky, but lots of offers and I’ve seen the photos. He said there were loads of women in their 20s chasing adolescents – strange! It’s just another brick in the wall in terms of his increasing confidence and ability to cope with the world – organising 40 of them going out there and no trouble. FP was most impressed because the night before he went he had a late night leavers’ ball and I asked him where he had left the car when I picked him up so I could go and collect it the next day. He’d already organised that and it was in the garage. He loves his car! He was straight in it for a drive when he got back. Today he is up working at Waitrose. I am just praying he gets good enough grades to get in to uni.

I got to see Tracey last Sunday and ‘leaving home’ daughter is back and Tracey has booked for them all to go to Lanzarotte for a week.

Scarman James and I have appointed another worker for the east of England. The team is increasing. We had some fantastic candidates – really interesting entrepreneurial types who’d travelled and written books and were just capable of turning their hand to anything. The new guy is called M and lives in Peterborough.

My counselling is moving on a pace. I only have 2 sessions left out of the 6 now. We have been working on a ‘what I didn’t like about FH’ list as she thinks I idolise him too much. Once I’d got into it it was surprisingly easy and although the things were innocuous in some ways they actually said volumes about how he related to me – always criticising my family and friends in front of our children and things that just smacked of a lack of tenderness, kindness and attention. It is quite salutary that you get so used to something you think it is normal. She kept saying to me ……what did he actually do for you? And I’d be saying well – he kept me abreast of musical developments and she would roll her eyes and say ANYONE could do that – answer the question. I couldn’t think of anything and I still can’t though I’m sure there were things. What she meant were the little personal things that partners do for each other that no one else does. Anyway, it helps, but it doesn’t because I still got upset when he came roud the other night to change arrangements with J2, but we’ve decided that’s because I don’t get enough information (it’s because he wanted to take him to Wales, but he doesn’t tell me that) and because what I am still mourning is my family fractured life which is true.

That’s it. I am news ’d out.

Big hug.