I am a bad mother

My mother 

 

What is the state of play this week? I am BAD mother I think as I wrote A* a stiff but generally kind email about her cutting and unsympathetic comments at the week-end. She has not spoken to me since and I am supposed to be seeing her tomorrow. I shall probably get there and be unable to find her. Basically I’ve had a Sikh female trainee doctor interested in renting her room during term time and even though we have talked about this she said some cutting and hurtful things which were neither mature nor necessary. We also have a long running issue that A* thinks everything is ‘great’ since the separation and this leads her to make insensitive comments. As I write this I think you would take her side in your ‘pull yourself together’ way, but I have certain boundaries and I will not be compared unfavourably with more ‘mother earth’ types – equally yes! As I pointed out to her – if I had had a husband who paid for me to be at home I may have developed a different set of skills than those I have, but I haven’t and mine are of equal value to those she refers to as ‘my real mother’ – this isn’t even J by the way. There was a lot of ‘I’m a vegetarian and why have you got all this crap food in the house?’ ‘right, I’ll go and live with Dad’ and patronising stuff about me being an expert in getting over separation and can now advise every Teresa, Davina and Harriet. If I said to you that I actually fear her coming home then maybe you can understand that I need to instil a bit of respect. I remember when FH first left she kept calling me ‘dog’ until I complained.

(Sorry Saul – I’ve just read this and it sounds bitchy and horrible. I’ve attached the email I sent. As someone who comes at things from a totally different perspective, I’d welcome your comments. I am also trying to be more ‘real’. The counsellor said to me that I spent too long in my marriage trying to be good and not letting rip with how I really felt. Do you remember too how I can’t cope with arguments or being shouted at?)

Oh joy! My decree absolute came through on Saturday and I’ve left it in the envelope unable to look at it, but this was Saturday – not Thursday or Friday when all the above took place. I did get out on Saturday and went to a football match and stayed in bed all day Sunday and read Sunday papers from cover to cover which is one of my favourite pastimes.
I am driving up to Kings Lynn tonight (struggled desperately to find some accommodation) for a Scarman day tomorrow and I will drive over to UEA afterwards.

Saul, I have no more news and no more time (Rural Members meeting in 15 minutes). Give me some thoughts on what I should do without much money or time to open up my life a bit more. I am in danger of getting sad, twisted and anal at this rate. I do like a bit of excitement and excitement is seriously limited and I can’t blind date anymore which is sometimes horrendous, sometimes lovely and certainly kept your nerves on edge. Alcohol and smoking are not good enough substitutes and FP thinks we should wait another 2 years before going to work abroad.
Give me vision and brattish aplomb!