authentic relationships from the inside out

I have just finished reading ‘authentic relationships from the inside out’ by Sarah Abell.

Because of the work I do, a lot of the advice I have come across before, such as ‘active listening’, but we are always learning and there are always things that strike me in a new way. For example, in spite of my active listening training, I am still sometimes thinking about my answer or wanting to give people the benefit of my knowledge!

 

This is not a book review, but it’s picking up on the things that spoke to me and may pique your interest.

Pg 8. I may be able to control my anger in part, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it or that it doesn’t show.

I am not easily able to tell people when they have hurt or upset me.

5 things I would like to change about relationships

I want to spend more time with my children which as they live so far away and it pretty much has to be on their terms means me telephoning and travelling. I write to them a lot, but I am not sure how much they value that.

I want to be better at dealing with tricky situations and have the difficult conversations, but some I can genuinely walk away from.

I am not always sure what impact I have on other people.

My 5 most important relationships are with my children, my partner and God.

What were the spoken/ unspoken rules in my house growing up?

  • Humour was not evident
  • It was all about being respectable but under the surface was I have lots of desires that are barely concealed.
  • There was very little fun or joy. I don’t think my mum was very happy.
  • Being quiet is good – but there was a lot of temper, anger, passion there. I see now how certain aspects of how I was brought up were very controlling and how I and my brothers are controlling now! I am not that patient either!
  • Socialising costs money so we don’t do it very often. Other people have more excitement, glamour, love in their lives than we do. I am still not that generous with money!
  • What was valued was neatness, frugality and education.

It’s hard to criticise because my mum had hard times and was a ‘good enough’ parent. I remember that from counselling!  But now I look back from the vantage point of being nearly 60, did she have it tougher than me really?  She came from a wealthy family.  She made choices as we all do.

I also think looking back that she was competitive – not collaborative – and if she didn’t have it, it wasn’t any good.

 

What is pressing your buttons? i.e. what makes you react or over react?

Page 136 The 3 Big Questions

Am I worthy of love? For who I am rather than what I can do

Am I competent?

Am I safe?

Page 170 I am unique (before God)

People are complex

The world is both cruel and awesome in its beauty and wonder

Life is hard, but sometimes amazing

To be loved I need to be worthy, constant, tolerant and forgiving

To be accepted I need to be ‘beautiful’ and more outgoing (I was not socialised well as a child – neither were my brothers)

To have significance I need to be

Important to key people in my life

Do work to the best of my ability in areas I believe in

If you hurt me I will run

The writer asks you to ask yourself ‘are your responses rational? If you are not sure, try thinking what you would think if someone said to you what you’ve just written down.  Would you think that sounded normal?!!!

 

The 5 languages of love (Gary Chapman)

  • Words
  • Presents
  • Touch
  • Time
  • Actions

I seek touch and actions.