I haven’t written for a few weeks

Posted Tuesday August 30, 2016 by Hazel Durbridge

Sorry I haven’t written for a few weeks. Incongruously I was very hurt by the notion that you had been well enough to come up to London and had not contacted me to suggest we met for coffee. It wasn’t about looking for a date. It was just painful to acknowledge where I was on your list of who were or were not important friends. It really hurt me which is unfair to you I know. I guess I also felt embarrassed and a bit of a plonker. Here I have been, pouring out my deepest thoughts, albeit trite in some respects, and it’s comparatively meaningless. I guess I wanted there to be some sort of value in it for you.

However, I feel uncomfortable about starting something and then stopping without a word so I will still write, but the letters may be a tad more guarded and a little less often. I think I need to grow up a bit in my correspondence with you – you are not my imaginary soul mate!

I have had another body blow over the last few weeks. It looks very likely that my post is going to be made redundant. I did go in to an almighty panic about this, thinking I was going to be destitute and not able to pay for A* and j1 through uni, but I’ve calmed down a bit. It is not likely to be imminent, I’ve spoken to Scarman and they would have me back full time on both regional and national projects and I can do supply teaching. In the meantime this could be a big chance for me to do something exciting and I am looking for jobs again, including a VSO one in Indonesia, but I don’t think I have made the shortlist this time.

Ali is back from uni on the Hoo with her dad and it is proving emotionally difficult for me. He has insured her to drive his car and she is full of what a wonderful man he is, which he is to her, but I always think will he do the same for J1? I also found out via J2 that he is buying a house in Wales and moving there next February and has no plans to take J2 with him. J2 wants to stay in Luton apparently. It would have been courteous to tell me directly of his plans that will undoubtedly impact on me. Not going to happen.

This last week-end I came to Dorset so you could accuse me of the same lack of friendship to you. I came with FP and we spent two nights in a pub in Corfe Castle (so much traffic and tourists) and visited Swanage (hippyville), Portland Beach (including nudey bit, but everyone had their clothes on because it was cold), Wareham (lovely pub food by the river – very well preserved) and Dorchester (a muddled disappointment). It’s a lovely part of the world. I never realised Poole was so posh.

I am reading ‘We need to talk about Kevin’ written in the form of letters to her husband. Her erudite and insightful prose puts my colloquial style to shame. I would like to write like her.

Big hug. I only got hurt because I care about you. I obviously am not grown up enough to give freely without expecting any reward – reminds me of a line of a prayer.

Picture courtesy of www.lutonhooestate.co.uk/living-on-the-estate/

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