Family at the sea
It was so lovely to hear you on the phone on Friday and to realise that all my meanderings had not gone in to an abyss. I think I obviously have something of a frustrated diarist in me. It is a bit sad at the moment. I seem to have weekly gobbets of moaning and sadness, but on the other hand, I do have other friends who email me only to comment in detail on their FANTASTIC holidays, FABULOUS nights out etc and that can get equally tiresome.
I am sorry things have been a bit shitty, but I am delighted you are starting work on the house. As you say, ‘getting on with things’ is an important part of ensuring mental wellbeing and it is about looking forward. I hope that reading about interior design and fixtures and fittings lends flight to your creative side – which you truly have- and I seriously look forward to seeing the outcome in stages or whatever.
Of course I would love to come for lunch, but I’ll leave it for you to suggest a date. If I got up early on Saturday I could get to you for 11am and then think of leaving between 3-4pm which hopefully wouldn’t be too stressful. We can eat out somewhere rather than you cooking and I don’t care if you are thin and have less hair. However, I will care if you are off with me. Unfortunately, events of the last year or so seem to have made me inordinately more sensitive, not less. I know you don’t like to divulge much within your friendship circles, but for me the interconnectedness of this type of communication is a crucial part of keeping me sane and feeling that life is good. The really nice bits of my life that I probably don’t dwell on enough in my letters is the way I can meet up with friends and associates, either in their houses or down the pub, and just touch base with other people’s stories – and they don’t have to be all good news either!
The job evaluation saga continues back at work today as I have to ring up candidates for a CDO (Community Development Officer) role to tell them the grade has gone down £5k from the last interview. It will be interesting to see how many of them turn up tomorrow. I didn’t tell you about the risk assessment training I went on last week, which because of the tongue in cheek style of most of the people who turned up to do it turned out to be a fun and entertaining day, ending up with doing a risk assessment on grave digging. One risk is Weils disease – from rats!
The other big nightmare at work at the moment is the new licensing act. These are stringent new conditions on the health and safety aspects of premises before they can get a license and basically, most of the council properties, including Hitchin Town hall, which I am responsible for, don’t measure up to it. The budgets are all so tight there is little room to purchase all the safety equipment, fire alarms etc and we are looking at having to shut it. This is really sad as there is one particular worker there who started as a cleaner and is now manager who loves the place with a passion. I also find myself asking questions about why none of these issues have been addressed before over the years.
The week-end was fine. I went riding on Saturday although it was very cold and went down to Portsmouth on Sunday. FP’s ex-wife turned up early – I’m sure to get a look at me – and that felt uncomfortable and difficult. I see in their children what I interpret as disruptive behaviour caused by the split, but she is now blaming me for it saying that his children are jealous of me. Honest! Avoid all married peoples! That seriously upset me last night. I don’t feel I have to make up for FH leaving with my own children, let alone anyone else’s. As far as I am concerned she has to take responsibility for her actions and their impact. Isn’t it all just torrid and seemingly endless? FP is so accepting of everything. I sometimes wonder how someone can be so let down and keep embarking, in utterly trusting ways, in to new relationships. Is that stupidity or just niceness and where does that leave me with all my suspicion and angst!
I managed to pluck up courage to ring FH today to ask if he had spoken to his solicitor yet and he has promised to get back to me with the outcome. I am so aware of the passage of time now and perpetually anxious about it.
The other thing I meant to tell you was that my counsellor said (I saw her the week before last again) that she has worked with a number of women who have been left and for whom it was a real shock/surprise. She said it is very natural for them to date a lot and then gradually, as time goes by and their confidence re-emerges to begin to sift those opportunities. She also said to me that sometimes what we think we want, i.e. in men in this instance, is different to what we actually need. This is something I have been thinking about within all the other thought processes in my crowded brain.
I’ve enclosed an article I read in the paper at the week-end. I don’t know how much research you are personally doing about your medication or what exact variant of the illness you have, but you can bin it if it is not relevant.
Sleep peacefully, enjoy your civil work and architectural aspirations. I am thinking of you. Big hug.