you don’t need to be envious of anyone

Posted Tuesday July 18, 2017 by Hazel Durbridge

I am learning that you don’t need to be envious of anyone. Note I am not saying I don’t have fleeting feelings, but then get to rationalise myself out of them!

You were not grumpy yesterday and it is just lovely to have that connection. I get to a point where I have withdrawal symptoms from you and it is important to hear your voice and know that you are still there.

The birthday week-end in Wales was sad. Steve had no friends there.  He invited the neighbours, one of whom was obviously making the most of the opportunity to drink her way under the table starting with the entire bottle of pims.  The guy earns thousands.  They can buy everything they want, but the end result is not a thing to be envious of even though I might be envious about never having to worry about money.  I don’t really know why they invited us as they spent the time shearing the sheep’s bottoms (I have never heard of anyone doing that) and vaccinating the lambs so FB and I just went out on our own which was nice, but it’s a long, long drive.  I got to fire a shotgun for the first time and hit the can 2x out of 6.

I went to see Morag who is another person I should feel envious of, but I don’t. They have just got back from a month + tour in South America – all very luxurious – remote hotels in the middle of the amazon etc.  I ought to have lots to talk to her about, but I don’t.  I don’t relate to her or her husband very well beyond pleasantries and kick myself afterwards for sounding like a twat because I end up always falling back on talking about illnesses as it seems to be something within both of our comfort zones together.  I do like her, value the constancy of her friendship and I appreciate she lost her first husband and has suffered.  She just doesn’t have the larger than life humanity that appeals to me about Siobhan, Iris or even Jenny.

Last week-end was a bit laboured with FB. We went to Birmingham on Saturday to the food market and then for a walk along the canal Sunday morning.  He drives me mad, constantly looking at his emails and texts, his incapacity to sort out his asthma medication and the rotting state of his house, then he blames the damp on the fact I have baths and his asthma on my perfume.  I went to leave this week-end and then couldn’t.  I don’t know why.  He is so defended, but something about him touches my heart.  There is a definite connection between us, but whether that translates in to a long term relationship is another matter.


Last night I had a massage with Paula for the first time in over a year as I have not been able to afford it. She is just about to move back in with her Mum in her 40s because she can’t afford her bills and to continue training to be a psychotherapist.  She wants to specialise in sexual perversions! She has a 14 year old son.  She said she can’t bear to pay rent anymore and know she is paying someone else’s mortgage, but she tried having a lodger and said it made her crazy.

Tuesday evening I had dinner at the Raven in Hexton with Jane (aged 45) who I previously managed and now has a top job in Central Bedfordshire living down south 3 days a week while her husband looks after their 3 children (the youngest is 3) in their big house in Staffordshire. She loves her job; they have a rock solid marriage and the children seem fine, but she maintains little contact with friends.  I guess something has to fall by the wayside.  She says I am the only friend she has kept up with.

I have also been to see Tracey as it is her 45th (I think) birthday this month.  She does even less socially.  When I leave I feel guilty that I do not do more to support and help her, but then I know she is sometimes difficult to help and in reality sometimes I do not have resources to help her either.  However, FB and I are taking her and the girls on the church trip to the seaside in July although she is already querying the early start!


Thursday I had lunch at the Geffreye museum with my uni friend Lindy who you have met. She had suddenly aged.  I know myself that we can age in spurts – like you look the same for a long time and then suddenly look much older.  She was interested in hearing about FB and lots of things came out about her husband and the boyfriend she had previously that I had never heard before, like how envious he was of her success (Lindy is an original and focused creative) and was always especially horrible to her on the nights of her great triumphs.  She is, and has always been, touchingly obsessed by which of her mates fancy her husband, but then one best mate did go off with her previous boyfriend so I suppose that takes some getting over.

Jenny was upset because the ex took his new wife on honeymoon to a special place for her and him, Guyana, but has been saved by the fact she has been accepted by VSO to go to Papua New Guinea for 4 months.



And the latest work news ….

I went on some interesting Welfare Benefits Reform training. I am a bit rusty, but now I understand the effect of the bedroom tax and benefits capping on our tenants.  If they get behind with their rents because of the rent shortfall caused by the cap and are eventually evicted, the council now has no responsibility to house them.  If they want to move to a cheaper house apparently they are getting shipped out to Margate en masse at the moment.  Interesting social engineering – a London only for the elite.

I went out to Hillingdon where post the moderate success of my coach trip to Bournemouth I met with a local trainer to provide Employment and Training guidance on the estate. Your ex flat mate is beginning to worry me.  She does not have a good work life balance and I have told her this.  She is also even more controlling than me so I run everything past her for approval and comments to ensure our on-going good relationship.

On Wednesday I was part of the Peabody Job and Enterprise fair that took place on Islington Upper Street. The event was awesomely rammed with over 2,000 attendees and very humbling when you listen to people’s stories (and they do want to talk) about their struggles to get work and life without a regular income.  We got coverage in the 6’o’clock news.  In the evening I met my gay, disabled friend in Soho where, after Molly Moggs, we go to this fantastic café that does liver and bacon.  This week it was on the set menu and I had it with spinach and lentil soup for £8.80 which is amazing value for a 2 minute walk to Leicester Square.


Thursday I went to the dentist to get the ‘op’ papers for my implant. He has taken a clay moulding of my teeth which I want to keep afterwards as a paperweight!  I am thinking of getting it done in August.  In the evening I went poo picking and checked on Sean, though Karen was sarky that I wouldn’t find much because someone else had been that day.  I can’t please that woman.


Allow yourself to just float with your sadness darling. J1 preaches all the time about life not being meant to be endlessly good which is obviously because he has to cope with feeling torrid a lot of the time at the moment.


Onwards and upwards! I love you.  Mum xxx




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