an argument – FB is still married

Darling J1

 

I am writing this at 4.30am in the morning.  I woke up and remembered that FB and I had an argument yesterday – possibly an argument from which we will not recover and I could not sleep so I decided to do something productive.

The argument came during a period of doubt about him.  I am concerned that he may be much poorer than he would have me believe – like FP.  This is because I don’t find him that generous and I find myself paying for more than I always feel comfortable with.  I noticed this especially in Cornwall.  Secondly I am concerned about his level of get up and go.  He talks a lot about doing things, but I have not seen that much action yet.

 

I saw his cottage last week-end.  It is very bijou, decorated immensely tastefully (if not that comfortably) with antique furniture and in a lovely village outside Stratford upon Avon.  Thankfully, now he has started work on it he has fallen in love with it again.  Otherwise his visit to Cornwall was a bit of an epiphany and he was wanting to move down there.  He even looked at the property at the entrance to Kendijack Valley.  Imagine it!  I was thinking – well that’s the relationship then, because I am not moving to Cornwall.  However, I think the pressure will now be on to spend more and more time in Warwickshire.  He is promising to do everything for me, but it would be an idiotic commute and I am not ready yet.  What concerned me about the cottage which he had obviously had a go to tidy up was how filthy the bits he hadn’t tidied were and the fact that his cooker does not work and has not done so for months and he has not got it fixed.  He cooked on a camping single burner which is very boy scout, but ….. He has lived there 20 years and does not maintain it very well.  That could be lack of funds, but keeping things moderately clean is effort.  You could argue that life has stood still since his wife left nearly 3 years ago.  Am I sympathetic to that or do I find it concerning?  Even in my darkest moments after FH left I kept things going.  He says I could do that because I had you children to motivate me.

 

I also found out he is still married.

 

I am beginning to find him boring.  I know he is a Samaritan, but sometimes the silences in our phone conversations go on forever and I find myself wanting to get off the phone.  He also doesn’t plan our time together so we rarely do stuff – no films, theatre, meals out, planned walks.  I am beginning to find just staying in boring.  I want to be entertained more.  He has once paid to download a film.

 

However he has money to eat out when I am not there and spend hours in the pub, though perhaps his sister pays for more than I realise.

 

Finally he angers quickly.  Yesterday morning I was sick with this recurring urine infection I am getting.  The doctor says they may not be treating it with the right antibiotic and the bacteria needs to be cultured to identify this.  Anyway, I sent him a text about my trip.  He can be a prolific texter.  I had no response all day.  A ‘poor you!  Speak later’ would have been fine.  I ring him about 6pm and say I was disappointed he had not responded to my text.  He said I am too demanding.  He was busy in the morning, went to Samaritans mid-day and then to the pub with his sister.  I argued my point and said he could have texted before he went to the pub.  What are we talking about? 30 seconds?  Because I did not back down he put the phone down on me.  I rang back to check he had really put the phone down on me rather than just lost contact and left a message saying  (nicely) if that was the case, it was a shame.  He texted much later that he had because I was confrontational and argumentative.  His sister was with him and he was ‘embarrised’ and avoids ‘uninteligent’ conversations!  I would have been happy with, ‘I can’t talk now.  Can I ring you back in 30 minutes?’  I was not ranting.  I am concerned if he can’t talk through differences even to a point where we agree to differ.

 

So there we are.  I think if he can’t support me emotionally there is not enough in the relationship for me as it stands and why would it get better?  Surely this is the time when the effort is made?  IF he rings me tomorrow I may let it go, but right now I do not intend to ring him.

 

My lovely romance in tatters.  Maybe it was not so lovely.

 

J2 had a variable week with moments of high stress and drama.  He failed his literacy test because he turned up thinking it was his numeracy test and had not prepared.  Thankfully however he passed his numeracy test on Saturday morning (tests for teaching everyone has to do).  You also know he has been offered a paid position with the Teaching Direct company in Luton which will mean doing a placement in his current school.  He was distraught at failing the literacy test although he has two more goes.  It brought back his horrors about not being able to pass his driving test theory.

 

However, he went on date 3 with Phoebe on Saturday and stayed the night without having sex with her.  I think I am going to be meeting her soon.

 

The slightly nutty lodger I met found somewhere else and while I have had some interest no one has committed as yet.

 

I returned to Pilates on Monday and went to my church group Wednesday.  This week I saw Siobhan last night and shared my FB story with her.  She thinks it’s early days yet and all about second chances.  We don’t know yet whether he will give me one!

 

This is of course all CONFIDENTIAL!  I love you – Mum xxx